i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
