Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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