were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
