If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
