somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
