i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
