mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
