She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
