So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
