this just has baby written all over it
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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