We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
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