apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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