im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
