Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
