i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
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It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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