All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
you made out with another girl for some wings
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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