You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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