who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
