now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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