i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
