mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
