i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
