Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
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I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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