I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
