I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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