and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
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Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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