so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
