He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
how drunk are you?
Several
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
