god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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