2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
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