I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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