jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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