if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
