we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
