When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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