Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
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My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
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looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.