I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
These 19 Ladies Love Pegging Their Men
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic