i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
21 Of The Most Impressive Things Ever Seen In Porn
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
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my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.