I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza