he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
