Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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