I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
