She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
