It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Randomize
