somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
