cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
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Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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