I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
