Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
