The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
even my farts smell like vagina
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
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