I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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