Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
