you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
