No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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