I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Randomize
