To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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