Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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