I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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